Week 43 - Stott Family Christmas, 2003 STOTT FAMILY DECLARED A NATIONAL TREASURE BY FORMER PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER
“Compared to them, I’m scum,” President says.

(this episode rated R for language)

Ah yes, the Stott Holiday letter. 'It’s late,’ you’re saying, 'and I’m sick
of reading about young David’s obsession with Hillary Duff.’ Well, guess
what, this letter is not late. It’s a Holiday letter, and last time I
checked, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s Birthday was a Holiday. This year’s
letter is particularly well-timed as its message epitomizes one of Dr.
Martin Luther King Jr.s most profound themes:

The Stotts are fucking awesome.
Seriously, dude. You know what this is – you know where this is going. We
are getting ready to list all our achievements for the year and you’re sitting
there, sweating, and you should be. We’ll list all our accomplishments for
the year, you’ll list your accomplishments for the year, and we all come to
the same conclusion, right? Our gleaming pile of accomplishments is going
to make yours look like, well, that’s not polite.

I mean, come on now. Face it. What have you really done this year? So you
sat on some Board of Directors for some corporation nobody’s heard of.
Jamie CHOPPED DOWN TREES. So you won some prestigious award at your school
or got some long sought after promotion at work: ANDREW’S SOCCER TEAM KICKED
ASS. Your daughter had a new baby and she named it after you? MOM AND PER
FLEW ACROSS THE ATLANTIC OCEAN NINETEEN TIMES. Honestly, we have done more
this year than you’ve done in the last five. Your family is full of misfits
and losers and that one embarrassing uncle named Flexit McGoon and we are
all perfect little role model citizens with fat and bad ass
cars. All the chicks dig us, and Jeeves wipes my butt after I pooh. So,
you’ve been warned.

Dave has had an astonishingly wonderful first year in New York. He changed
his name to Awesome D, and he feels that this name sums him up awesomely.
He is awesome, and his former name started with D. He is an Awesome
version of his former self. He is partying with Matt Damon and Paris
Hilton, getting laid ALL THE DAMN TIME, and is directing and producing his
way through the Broadway circuit. He won four Obies and two Commies last
year, and was listed in People magazine as The Man Most Likely To Be Sexy
Sometime in the Foreseeable Future, Just Not Now. He owns a Jag, though, so
suck it major.

Jamie this year has proved that he is the ultimate salesman. He was sent to
New York by his company to 'teach all those Gomers a lesson’ and to 'sell
the shit out of our new line of Ducatis.’ Despite a well-funded conspiracy
by the jealous co-workers in Bologna, Jamie earned a prestigious quota
buster award. Yeah, like he needs it. He was too busy being awesome with
his hot babe wife and thinking about what yacht to wear to the Tonys to care
much about some plaque that’ll just go in the basement with all the others.
Whaddaya expect? This guy’s married to a woman who single-handedly fought
off the hurricane that hit Richmond with a gardening hose and a salad fork.
She redirected it to Cairo, where rain is needed. Plus she saves puppies
and whales. In her spare time she custom builds Health Care Relief Systems
to alleviate hospital overcrowding in the Sudan. Sorry boys, she’s awesome,
but she’s taken.

Need more evidence of our awesomeness? Mom and Per visited Denmark 6 times
this year, plus Greece, San Francisco, Rome, Istanbul, Krakow, Chile, and
Sydney, Australia. Per designed the new opera houses in all of these cities
and gave all the money to the poor. Did you know he speaks six languages?
Mom speaks fourteen. You probably only know one, loser-ass English, and your
grammar sucks beach balls. Oh yeah - Per is a grandfather now, with
grandsons named Bertram and Mikkel, and his grandsons already laugh at his
jokes.

And Andrew? Well, you got his Christmas card, dincha? Andrew’s in love.
He’s in gooey, smootchie, don’t bother to call me, I’m too busy being in
love to do anything – love. Andrew IS up for a big promotion at work, is
thinking about trading in his house for a 16th century Parisian-styled
mansion, but with all the rose petals and Godiva chocolates in the air, who
can tell? As far as we know, Lynn is a good match for him, but she’s so
busy in Uruguay that we don’t see her much. Lynn cured cancer last
December.

So we’ve got it all – love, success, international travel, milk– and that
was all the boring stuff. We’d love to say more, but as you’ve probably
guessed by now, we’re too awesome to care.  ¶ 9:18 PM 0 comments